These Hard Times

"Say goodbye, these days have gone
And we can't keep holding on
When all we need is some relief
Through these hard times"
~Matchbox Twenty

I cannot even begin to understand why some things happen.  Little Maddy was 4 years old and spent most of his life fighting for it.  He passed away two days ago, on Jan 8th, 2014.  I cannot imagine what his sweet parents are going through.  I fall apart every time I try to comprehend what they are dealing with and wonder how in the world they will move forward from this.  Nothing on this earth could repair my heart.  And that is exactly the point.  

Childhood cancer is probably the most awful thing.  Children dying and parents having to bury their children seems to me to be the worst thing for a person to have to endure.  It has always been my biggest fear. But of course there is tragedy all around us.  Unexplainable sadness, loss, injustices and grief touches all of us.  "Why?" is often the biggest question that people ask during these times.  What in the world could be the reason for ending the life of a sweet 4 year old boy and breaking his family's heart forever?  

On the day that Maddy passed away, my devotional addressed difficult times.  

"When times get difficult, we often seek 

God for the easy way out.  Easy means that 

someone waves a wand and poof, 

it's done, fixed, no more trouble."

It goes on to say that we pray for the "fix" but God doesn't always give us the easy way out.  Not because He can't perform the miracle, but because he knows best what we need.  The solution to our troubles may not be easy, and certainly in some situations not at all what we would want to happen, but we need to remember that God is in control.  I cannot comprehend why this happened to Maddy and his family, but there simply has to be some reason.  Some higher purpose.  God has a divine plan.  

The devotional ends with this prayer:

"Dear Lord, please help me to rest assured 

that You are going before me and that when 

I call on You, You will help me.  Thank You for 

growing me during these hard times."

Eleven Years

Eleven years ago today, I became a cancer patient.  It was not something I had ever thought about as a 33 year-old mother with two young children.  It was not part of the plan.  My world was turned upside-down with one phone call, eleven years ago this afternoon. 

Cancer doesn't care that you have young children.  Cancer doesn't care how much money you make.  Cancer doesn't care what your job is.  Cancer doesn't care that you have things to do.  Cancer doesn't care that you have people to take care of.  Cancer doesn't care that you have places you want to go.  Cancer doesn't care that you are way too young to have to deal with this.

Cancer is a selfish, ever-present enemy who can find anyone at anytime. 

Once you hear the words "you have cancer" or "the tumor was malignant," you are never the same.  From that very moment on, you are never the same.  It doesn't matter what kind of cancer you have, or how long it takes you to go from being a "cancer patient" to being a "cancer survivor," you are never the same.  No matter if you're the garbage man or a CEO, and no matter how much support you get from the people in your life, you are never the same. 

In that moment, the moment those words are spoken to you, you are instantly and permanently changed.  Changed in a way that only another cancer survivor can understand.  Your perspective about everything is changed permanently.

For this, I am thankful.  I appreciate every aspect of life more.  I appreciate small moments in life that are often overlooked by others.  I appreciate the people in my life.  I appreciate everything that God has blessed me with.  And I can deal with the ups and downs of life better.  I know that it could always be worse.  I know that "this too shall pass."  I know that God has a plan.  And eventhough I don't always like the way He executes the plan, He remains in charge. And I am learning so much on this journey. 

Eleven years. 

It Never Was About The Bike

So much talk.  So many opinions.  So much judgement. So many stones thrown.

One of the books Lance Armstrong wrote is entitled It's Not About the Bike.  And that really sums it all up for me.  I did not become a Lance Armstrong fan because of what he did on that bike in the French Alps.  At all.  The competition level in those races was merely leveled by his cheating.  He cheated, he lied, and like almost everyone else who hasn't been completely truthful, he tried to cover it up.  This isn't about the cheating and the lies and the cover-up.  Winning those races and the fame that it brought to Lance was really only a means to an end.  And not the end you think.  Yes, he became rich from the sponsors and endorsements and books, but the primary goal was to bring awareness and funding to the fight against cancer.  He has always said that this was his goal.  And as a cancer survivor, THIS is what's it's about for me.

Lance is a very strong-willed, passionate man when it comes to cancer.  He was given a death sentence and he simply refused to go along with it.  The details of the fight that he and his mother lauched against this disease are amazing.  The fight and perservernce that he showed later in the Tour were clearly shown in his fight against the disease and the system that treated it.  He attacked it, just like he did the mountain stages years later.  He used their experiences and the knowledge and perspective that they gained to help literally millions of people who have received the same diagnosis.  Including myself.  The information, resources, network and support that the LIVESTRONG organization has provided has been groundbreaking and invaluable.   

Unless you've heard the words "you have cancer" yourself, there is no way you can understand the toll that those three words can take on you.  Physically and emotionally.  Lance took the reins after he survived and did SO INCREDIBLY MUCH for the fight against cancer.  He was the face of the fight for so many years.  He gave cancer survivors support, information, a network, and most importantly...hope.  And that hope is invaluable.  THAT is what it's about. 

So while you're reading and listening to stinking everyone and their brother giving their opinion on Lance, what he's done, and his admission, please remember that the focus needs to be on his survival and his enormous efforts to help those who are fighting this horrible disease.  It's not about the drugs.  It's not about the cheating.  It's not about the lies.  It's not about the admission.  It's not about the bike.  It never, ever was.  And it never should be. 

IDK, My BFF Jen?

I just finished reading Jen Lancaster's latest genius contribution to my book library. Entitled My Fair Lazy, it discusses Jen's realization that she needs a bit of culture in order to not embarrass herself in social situations, the beginnings of her cultural "Jenaissance" and the culmination of said Jenaissance--an author's night amongst some socially elite peeps at a East Coast mansion. The stories told along the way are truly Jenesque. Hilarious. True-life. And told with Jen's unique author's voice. She speaks/writes the way I think. She is my age. We have the same general background, experience, feelings, memories, and mind. Therefore I relate to her books like none other that I've ever read.

The point of my blog today tho isn't to give a review of the book. Because truly it would be a completely and totally biased love-gushing kind of thing that only Jen herownself would want to read. I adore this woman, her stories and the way she writes. Period. If you're a 30- or 40-something female, read Jen. Heck, if your female, read Jen. If you like to laugh, read Jen. (Although for the first time ever, Jen made me cry. Jen? Page 248? I've totally been there. It's brutal. I couldn't believe you made me cry, but thank you, none-the-less, for including this.)

My point today is what Jen writes near the end of the book, on page 365. At the end of her Jenaissance, after her successful trip East amongst her peers and the socially elite, Jen realizes (partially because of (her dog) Maisy's illness) that our time on earth is limited and that we need to make the best of our time here and live each day to the fullest. Sound familiar? Pretty sure I've blogged about that very thing myself in one of my "life-perspective-that-being-a-cancer-survivor-has-given-me" blogs. Lemme quote Jen's book:

"If we can't come up with some kind of alchemy to stop the aging process, then were obligated to make the most of what we have, and the best way to do that is expand the depth of our experiences."

She goes on to suggest that we

"...fill our lives with a million new experiences, even if sometimes they're unpredictable or scary or take effort"

and

"Essentially, we realized we need to keep diving in. And if we do, our lives won't be richer for being long; our lives will be richer for having lived."

Well said Jen....well said.

Take 'em by the hand, don't let 'em all fly by

I just returned from my yearly oncologist appointment. And my eight year anniversary of my cancer diagnosis is coming up in a couple of weeks. So naturally I find myself reflective on this whole experience and what it's done brought to my life. The single-most important change in my life since that day in 2002 when I was told that I had cancer was the realization that I wasn't living my life to the fullest. I wasn't out there going and doing and creating memories. I was "getting through" each day, week, year. Incredible events had occurred in my life, to be sure. The birth of my children each being the two best days of my life. Wonderful, life-changing events. But life became more difficult after that. Sleepier, workier, harder. Definately more wonderful. Having children was the best decision I've ever made. They bring so much love and joy and laughter into my life. But that doesn't mean it's easy. Days, weeks & years became a blur. Events & memories almost non-existent.

Once I realized I wasn't going to die anytime soon from my cancer, I began to realize that the years were flying by and I needed to start living it. I needed to start trying to make every second count. I needed to start creating memories. I began to embrace the people and things that made me happy. Thowing myself into them. I began doing more fun things and taking more risks. You're only given so much time here on earth and you'd better make the best of that time before it's gone.

As my children have grown more, I've started making a point of creating memories with them. Vacations, fun little trips, concerts, baseball and basketball games...all things we enjoy and can have fun doing together. Taking the time to stop and see things and not hurry past them because we're trying to "make good time" getting somewhere. These opportunities may never come again.

Our trip to Boston was most definately one of the biggest memory-makers we've done. That trip is something that none of us will ever forget. But memory-makers don't have to be huge, planned-out, expensive things. Last year when driving home from a mini-vacation to Iowa (to visit the Field of Dreams again), we took a winding two-lane road home that followed the Mississippi River along the Illinois/Iowa border. We passed through many small towns, sang along with the music on the radio and stopped to watch the sun set on the great river while trying to skip rocks along the water. So these times don't have to be huge expensive events. Sometime it's just simple things, experienced together, that can create a memory.

Another significant example of creating memories is my concerts with Jackie and Ashley. My daughter has been to eighteen concerts (and counting) and she doesn't even have her driver's license yet. She and I share a passion for music and concerts, so this is something that she and I can do together. And believe me...we create lots and lots of funny, crazy, amazing memories together! I would share some of them here, but really only she, and maybe my sister Jackie, would understand the funniness or significance of the memory. But that's the point, isn't it? Creating special memories with the people that we cherish in our lives?

Live each day, don't just survive it. Cherish each moment and create memories with those that you love. You don't have as much time as you think, and if you keep putting it off...suddenly the time is gone. Do it. Start today.

Days Go By
by Keith Urban

I'm changing lanes
I'm talking on the phone
I'm drivin' way to fast
And the interstate's jammed with
Gunners like me afraid of coming in last

But somewhere in the race we run
We're coming undone

Days go by
I can feel 'em flying
Like a hand out the window in the wind as the cars go by
It's all we've been given
So you better start livin' right now
'Cause days go by

Out on the roof just the other night
I watched the world flash by
Headlights, taillights running through a river of neon signs

But somewhere in the rush I felt
We're losing ourselves

Days go by
I can feel 'em flying
Like a hand out the window in the wind as the cars go by
It's all we've been given
So you better start livin' right now'Cause days go by

We think about tomorrow then it slips away
We talk about forever but we've only got today

Days go by
I can feel 'em flying
Like a hand out the window in the wind as the cars go by
It's all we've been given
So you better start livin' right now
'Cause days go by

It's all we've been given
So you better start livin'
You better start livin'
Better start livin' right now

'Cause days go by
I can feel like 'em flying
Like a hand out the window in the wind as the cars go by
It's all we've been given
So you better start livin' right now
'Cause days go by
These days go by

So take 'em by the hand
They're yours and mine
Take 'em by the hand
And live your life
Take 'em by the hand
Don't let 'em all fly by
Come on, Come on now

Don't you know the days go by